ROOTS AND WINGS
This title is actually a line
from a TV drama about the murder of a teenage girl in which the perpetrator
turns out to be the son of the female lead.
The actual words are spoken by the mother of the dead girl and are a
romantic way of summing up the duties of a loving mother towards her child. If we do it right, we are supposed to provide
a strong loving foundation for them from which to grow into a confident capable
adult and then we must step back and allow them to fly the nest and live their
own lives. That is the pretty version. But this statement from the mum refers
to the fact that her teenage daughter had become distant and uncommunicative in
her last year, living a lifestyle totally hidden from her parents and it is an
example of how unforgiving and even painful motherhood can be.
You will notice that I have
indulged in a prejudice towards mothers but I feel I can be forgiven for saying
that in general, it is mothers who face the brunt of child bearing, rearing and
backlash. Yes, I said ‘backlash’ and if
you are a mother, you will know exactly why I use this word.
When we are in charge of
babies or children, allowing myself to generalise for a minute, the rules are
simple. Keep them clean, feed them,
cuddle them, look after their health and of course show them lots of love. But
the ‘backlash’ bit raises its head when our ‘children’ are no longer children
and this could not be more evident than in the current era when the recession
is biting hard and forcing parents and offspring to co-habit whether they like
it or not.
Many mothers will back me up
when I describe how motherhood can easily result in the loss of even the
ability to remember one’s own needs or wishes. How it can be all but impossible
to refrain from worrying or becoming involved in our kids’ problems regardless
of their age. Of the need for a thick
skin (not something I possess) when from a certain phase of life, the ‘child’
refuses to allow us to freely express our worries or our opinions for that
matter and expects us to not only stop fretting but to back off and mind our own business.
Whilst attempting to morph
into this unphased happy-go-lucky mum, we must continue to ‘be there’ either mentally
or physically or both when needed. We must provide support by donating time, effort and if
possible finance until they can achieve and maintain independence. We must
protect and encourage them in order to demonstrate unconditional love. This
supermum must carry out these duties whilst refraining from interfering no
matter how badly the adult child manages his or her life, no matter what
unsavoury relationships they may enter into or foolhardy decisions they make.
This is hard, sometimes too hard. Take a look at how contradictory these
expectations are. Love me, comfort me,
help me – but keep quiet and leave me alone when I tell you to.
Get over it, you say, it was
your choice to have children, but isn’t it the case that no matter how much
knowledge or experience we acquire whilst rearing our kids, we are not prepared
for how tough it can be when they become adults.
I call this the ‘push me-pull
you’ effect. You continue to love them to bits, you would die for them, but now
you must stand back and not get caught up in their grown up lives no matter how
bad it looks and no matter how much greater your life experience is than
theirs. The love goes deep, unalterably
so and therefore when the occasions come and they do in spades, where ones offspring once they become adults, demand
that we get on with our own lives and remain unaffected by what goes on in
theirs, we struggle to comply.
If you claim that you’ve
never been forced to stand by whilst your grown up child embarks on or
continues with a relationship that you know is detrimental to their mental or
physical well being or just doomed to failure you’re not being honest. Tell us you’ve never wanted to deter them
from leading a lifestyle that is unhealthy or dangerous? From the ill advised holiday, the late night
raves to the helmet-less and light free cycling. Let’s face it, if a friend worried you that much you could step back from the
situation and just leave them to it, but with your own child – it isn’t that
easy. No – let’s be real, if you love
them (a given), it’s impossible.
Sorry to tell, I’m not
finished. Because of the aforementioned
‘recession’ the concept of Empty Nest Syndrome has all but disappeared. Living independently, especially in London is
becoming a far off dream for many young people and so as parents we have to if
possible provide the means to live (in comfort thank you very much) and work or
not, at home, until they can branch out
alone. What this means is that in
addition to keeping out of their ups and downs whilst loving and supporting
them, we must literally witness it all as it floats by in front of us. If they get drunk, don’t come home all night
or are not in the mood to converse with anyone, (the list goes on), we have to
experience it first hand because we live in the same dwelling.
The other unsavoury result of
the stay at/returned home adult child is that the phase of life that parents
were entitled to when the kids flew the coop, ie. freedom and privacy, are
sacrificed in the name of unerring parental support. No more ‘empty nest’ or at least not until we
may be too old to enjoy it (perish that thought!) Of course there are those who tend to live
vicariously through their children, cannot refrain from being over involved in
said kids’ lives and feel devoid of purpose once they have flown. Not to mention those who through long term
boredom with each other and a lack of libido have no need of privacy. But for
the rest of us – ho hum!
When they were really young,
it was tiring and often stressful but I knew what to do and why. But as a mother of adults, who I love more
than words can describe, there is definitely a bigger price to pay. I always cough up and I always will, but
sometimes it leaves me running on empty.
How about you?
Julienne Bannister
June 2013.
